We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
