I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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