i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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