it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
