you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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