So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
