ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
