I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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