I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you