I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.