he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.