I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
