I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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