so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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