So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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