My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
