i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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