you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
