I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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