i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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