i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
