Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
