Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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