Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
