I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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