i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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