Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
