i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
