Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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