true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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