but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
