I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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