im having a threesome with these popsicles
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize