I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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