Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
