so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
