I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We are two peas in an std pod
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
