I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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