Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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