I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i dont even know how to be here
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
