think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
