Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
