I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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