I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
