Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
