Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
