he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize