You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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