Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
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i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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