Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
