I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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