Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
