we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
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The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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