Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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