Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
