Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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