You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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