You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
