You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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