I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
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I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
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I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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