my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
