How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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